


In Your Loving Arms

by deanieweaniewrites



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bipolar Castiel, Bipolar Disorder, Caring Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, I only wrote this to make myself feel better, M/M, comfort piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26151151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanieweaniewrites/pseuds/deanieweaniewrites
Summary: Castiel has been in a depressive episode for nearly a week. He never lets anyone see him like this...until Dean comes into his life.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 69





	In Your Loving Arms

**Author's Note:**

> This is really personal to me and I debated posting it, but my hope is that this comforts someone the same way it comforted me to write.

Castiel pulls a pillow over his head when he hears his phone vibrate for the third time in the past five minutes. His body feels weighed down and his head is thick with fog. He isn’t sure if he’s about to cry or if he’s just numb. The room is completely dark save for the light peeking around the blackout curtains on his windows. It’s past noon and he hasn’t left his bed yet. It’s a Saturday so he doesn’t have anywhere to be.

He rolls onto his back and stares up in the ceiling. He’s been in this shirt for three days now. He hears his phone buzz again and closes his eyes. He knows who it is. He wants to talk to him, but it feels too hard. He hates it when anyone interacts with him while he’s like this. It’s too embarrassing. 

It was two years ago, when he turned eighteen, that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The diagnosis came as no shock. He had his suspicions since he was fifteen. Castiel was put in therapy then, and he had been in and out of it for two years. It was hard to find a therapist that he liked. 

For the past six days, he has been in another one of his depressive episodes. They usually last between two and three weeks. All he’s managed to do in the past six days is go to his university classes and remember to feed himself once a day. He’s stayed locked away in his room for the rest of the day. He’s spent most of the days sleeping or watching youtube. 

He’s fortunate enough to have someone else who lives in his apartment that mostly leaves him alone. Balthazar is a nice friend and he gets along with Castiel. He doesn’t bother Castiel when things get bad like this only because he knows how much Castiel wants to be left alone. 

Castiel rolls onto his side and kicks a pile of dirty clothes off of his bed. The floor of his small bedroom is no longer visible due to the buildup of trash and clothes. There’s a small path that leads out the door and another that leads to the bathroom, which is also a mess. The mess usually builds up for days prior to an episode, and that’s how Castiel tells that it’s coming. 

His phone buzzes again and he finally decides to look at the messages. 

**Dean: Hey Cas. I know it’s getting rough for you right now. Can I come over?**

**Dean: I know you don’t want anyone to see you, but I miss you**

**Dean: It’s not just that, I can help. I’m not judging you and I just want to help.**

**Dean: I just texted Balth and asked if you were home. I’m coming over.**

**Dean: I’m here. Balth is going to let me in.**

Castiel sighs heavily. He’s been with Dean for nearly a year now. Dean is very familiar with Castiel’s pattern and has never judged him for anything. He’s been nothing but accepting and loving. The one thing Castiel hadn’t allowed yet was for Dean to see him during a depressive episode. It sucked to go for two or three weeks without seeing Dean, but he was too embarrassed to let him in. He’d much rather hide and then clean up the mess afterward. 

But now, Dean is here. Castiel hears him entering the apartment. He wants to frantically start picking up the mess in his room, but he’s too tired to get up. He sits up and fights back tears. He just waits for the inevitable disgust from Dean. This could very well be the end. How could Dean still respect him after seeing how bad this is? 

~~~

Dean gently knocks on Castiel’s bedroom door. He hears some movement from inside. “I’m coming in, okay?” 

He opens the door and looks at the floor. He’s never seen Castiel’s room like this. Usually, his boyfriend was very tidy. The room was always bright and warm with homely decor. Right now, it looks like a different room. The floor is completely covered save for two paths carved through it. The bed is rumpled, the desk is covered in trash, and right in the center of the bed sits Castiel. He has his knees tucked to his chest, and even though the darkness of the room, Dean can see the tears on his cheeks. “Can I turn the light on?”

“Mmhm.”

Dean flips the light on and closes the door behind himself. He holds up a takeout container. “I brought you food. It’s those chicken tenders from that one restaurant you like.”

Castiel doesn’t look Dean in the eyes. He buries his face in his knees and sniffles, clearly fighting back the urge to sob.

Dean walks through the small path and sits down on the bed. He sets the food down and gently places a hand on Castiel’s back. “I’m sorry if you don’t want me here. I just can’t stand that you’re in here suffering by yourself. I would have done this sooner if I had known it was this bad. You’re not alone, okay? I love you and I want to help you through this.”

Castiel hiccups and wipes his eyes against his arm. “I’m embarrassed. I never let anyone see me like this because I know how disgusting it is. I haven’t showered in...I think five days. I don’t want anyone to know that I spend part of my life living like this.”

Dean rubs Castiel’s back. “You don’t need to be embarrassed, certainly not around me. Look, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through right now. All I know is that I want to help. You don’t have to fight this alone. Are you hungry?”

Castiel lifts his head from his arms and blinks away tears. He looks at the takeout box on the bed and nods. “Yeah.” He picks up the box and opens it up. “Thanks.”

Dean nods and looks around the room. “Is it okay if I start cleaning?”

Castiel frowns. “You don’t have to do that. This place is a disaster. I can clean it when I feel better.”

“You can, but having a clean space may make you a little more comfortable now. I’m going to get garbage bags.” Dean leaves the bedroom and finds garbage bags in the cabinets under the kitchen sink. He grabs a few and returns to the bedroom to see Castiel slowly eating. “I really don’t mind cleaning, especially if it means helping you.” 

Castiel swallows his mouthful of food and watches Dean move around the room, picking up all of the trash. “I thought you hated cleaning. You throw a fit about washing your roommate’s dishes at your own place.”

“That’s because Ash just expects me to wash the dishes because I like the place to be clean. I’m happy to do this because I know you’re having a hard time and I know executive dysfunction is a bitch.” Dean stuffs all of the trash into the bag he’s holding as he moves around the room. 

Things start to look better as time passes. Dean picks up the takeout container and throws it away as well once Castiel is done. Castiel lays back down in bed and closes his eyes while Dean cleans. 

Dean moves on to laundry and starts picking up all of the dirty clothes. He fills the hamper and takes it to the washer, putting in a load. He sweeps the floor and wipes down all of the surfaces in the room. It only takes him about an hour to bring the room back to its usual state. 

“Alright, now on to you.” Dean smiles. 

Castiel opens his eyes and scrunches his brows. “Huh?”

“Let’s get in the shower. I’ll shower with you.”

Castiel frowns. “I don’t think I can, I’m sorry. I know it’s gross, I’m just too tired.”

Dean nods. “That’s okay. How about a bath? I’ll help you.”

Castiel sighs. “That’s kind of embarrassing.”

Dean puts a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “I’m not judging you. I just want to help.”

Castiel looks away and stays quiet for a few seconds. “I guess I can try a shower.”

Dean smiles softly. “Do you want me to shower with you?”

Castiel nods as he sits up. “I probably won’t get it done otherwise.” He slides off the bed and stretches with a groan.

Dean walks to the side of the bed and pulls the sheets off. He takes the pillowcases off as well and tosses them into the hamper. “Your sheets are on the top shelf of the closet, right?”

Castiel watches and nods. “Yeah, thank you.” 

Dean puts a fresh pair of sheets on the bed and pulls the blankets back, making the bed. “There. Now, onto the shower.” He leads the way to Castiel’s bathroom and turns the shower on. 

Castiel closes the bathroom door and starts undressing. His movements are slow and he looks exhausted despite not moving all day. He sets his clothes on the bathroom counter and steps into the shower. 

Dean strips, folding his clothes and leaving them on the bathroom counter. He gets in the shower behind Castiel. He’s already showered today, so he’s really only there to help Castiel if he needs it. “You want help?”

Castiel shakes his head. “I’d like to keep a little dignity, but thank you.”

“You haven’t lost any dignity in my eyes.” Dean hands the body wash to Castiel and leans against the wall to watch him. 

Castiel’s movements are slow, but he gets the job done. He washes his hair twice to get rid of the greasy feeling and washes his face. He turns off the water once he’s done and grabs a towel. “Thank you for being moral support. I needed that.”

“Any time.” Dean steps out of the shower and grabs the other towel. He pats himself dry before redressing himself. 

Castiel wraps the towel around his waist and walks out of his bedroom. He searches his drawers and pulls out a large t-shirt and another pair of sweatpants to wear. It’s about all he has in terms of clean clothes. Once he’s dressed, he climbs back onto his bed and lays down. 

Dean finishes dressing and climbs into bed with Castiel. “Is this okay?” To his surprise, Castiel turns over and buries his face in his chest. Dean wraps his arms around him and kisses the top of his head. “I love you, okay? You don’t ever have to be embarrassed about this stuff. Until you feel better, I’m gonna drop by every day after class to check on you.”

Castiel holds Dean tightly. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Whenever you’re not like this we see each other nearly every day, so it’s no different than normal for me. Besides, I want to see you.”

“I’m not going to be much fun. All I’m really doing right now is sleeping and watching youtube.”

Dean shrugs. “I’m always down for that. Besides, a nap after class sounds nice. If you really don’t want me here, I’ll just poke my head in to make sure you’re okay and then leave.”

Castiel holds onto Dean’s shirt and nods a little. “I thought having someone around for this would really suck, but it’s actually nice.”

Dean runs his fingers through Castiel’s damp hair. “Have you been making it to class?”

Castiel nods. “I make it to my lectures, but I’ve fallen behind a little on my assignments. I can catch up and my professors are all aware of my situation.”

“What about your meds? When was the last time you took them?”

Castiel goes quiet for a few seconds. “Two weeks ago.”

Dean frowns. “What made you stop taking them?”

“They make my stomach hurt. I’d like to be able to process dairy and wheat products without feeling like I’m dying.”

Dean kisses the top of Castiel’s head. “You should take your meds. We’ve had this discussion before.”   
  
Castiel sighs. “I know. I just...I hate to have to take them. I don’t want to need them. They have a horrible name. Anti-psychotics. I hate that word, psychotic. It sounds so venomous. I don’t want to need pills for the rest of my life. Sometimes when I stop taking them I feel better. My head feels clearer and I don’t get any side effects anymore.”

“But when you take your meds, this doesn’t happen at this severity. Maybe you won’t need meds forever. Just think about right now. Right now, you need them. If you really hate the ones you’re on now, tell your doctor when you see them again.”

“Truthfully, the side effects really aren’t that bad. It’s more that I just don’t want to need medication. I keep going off it to try to prove to myself that I’m fine. I know I need to just stick with it.” Castiel wraps an arm around Dean. 

Dean nods. “Do you want reminders or would that get annoying?”

Castiel thinks for a moment. “Honestly it would probably get annoying. I could set an alarm on my phone to remind me to take them.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” Dean sits up a little and turns over. He opens the drawer on the bedside table and pulls out a couple of pill bottles. “I’ll go get you some water.”

Castiel nods and sits up as Dean gets up. He opens the pill bottles and collects all his correct dosages in his palm. 

Dean returns with a glass of water and hands it to Castiel. “Here you go.”

Castiel takes all of his meds with water before laying back down. “I need to sleep.”

“Alright. I’ll take a nap with you.” Dean climbs back into bed and spoons Castiel from behind. He closes his eyes as he holds his boyfriend against his chest. “I love you.”

Castiel finds Dean’s hand and holds it tightly. “I love you too. Thank you for coming.”

“Anytime, baby.”

Dean and Castiel nap there for a couple of hours before Dean wakes up. He lays there for another half hour, watching Castiel sleep. It was a bit of a role reversal. Castiel was usually the first to wake up whenever they slept together and he would always watch Dean sleep. Now that it’s Dean watching Castiel, he gets the appeal.

Castiel wakes up and rubs his eyes. He turns his head to look at Dean with a tiny smile on his face. He suggests that they watch Netflix on his laptop, so they prop themselves up to do just that. Dean takes out his own laptop to work on some schoolwork while they sit there. 

Dean makes dinner for both of them when the time comes, and he goes home afterward. 

In the following days, Dean checks on Castiel every day. After his classes, he drives to Castiel’s apartment and spends a couple of hours with him. Castiel’s mood seems to lift a little every time Dean comes over. His presence certainly doesn’t ‘fix’ Castiel, but it does help. 

~~~

Castiel starts to return to his usual mood after a week. With the help of his medication, he starts to feel more like himself. He actually leaves his bed for a reason other than class to finish up the laundry that Dean had been helping him with. He goes over to Dean’s apartment after class and thanks him again for being as supportive as he was. 

Knowing that someone is there to support him makes everything feel much easier. Castiel knows that his relationship isn’t going to fix all of his problems, but Dean feels like a partner to him. They build each other up and work alongside one another. It’s healthy in a way that Castiel has never experienced before now. Despite everything, Castiel can call himself happy. He knows that he isn’t alone now, and that makes the fight so much easier. 


End file.
